Compliment vs. complement
“In the growth mind-set, you don’t feel the need to convince yourself and others that you have a royal flush when you’re secretly worried it’s a pair of tens. The hand you’re dealt is just the starting point…. Although people may differ in every which way – in their initial talents and aptitudes, interests, or temperaments – everyone can change and grow through application and experience.”
– Carol Dweck
I could talk nuances all day. :)
– sympathy vs. empathy
– hearing vs. listening
– attention vs. connection
– certainty vs. letting go
– admired vs. cared for
The list goes on and on! But for this post, I only want to talk about one:
COMPLiMENT VS. COMPLeMENT
If you’re thinking I’m out of my mind and I don’t know how to spell – nice try, sassy. I promise I actually have a point here… According to Merriam-Webster, here’s how each are defined:
compliment: noun, an expression of esteem, respect, affection, or admiration.
complement: noun, something that fills up, completes, or makes perfect.
To clarify what I’d like to address within this post, I want to ask this question:
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What are you currently seeking out more of in your life – people/things that compliment you, or people/things that complement you?
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As I’ve said many times for previous topics in previous posts, this is not a matter of right or wrong. I have two reasons for bringing up this topic:
- I like instigating honest discussions on reflection and perspective, and this is simply another one.
- A greater emphasis on complementing over complimenting ties into one of my favorite concepts, fixed mindset vs. growth mindset.
Since reason #1 is self-explanatory, allow me to dive right into the concept I’m referring to for reason #2:
FIXED MINDSET VS. GROWTH MINDSET
In a nutshell, fixed mindset plays into the talent myth, “built on the idea that innate ability rather than practice is what ultimately determines whether we have it within us to achieve excellence.” Growth mindset, on the other hand, holds the belief that “abilities are transformable through effort,” and those that buy into this belief will not only persevere, but actually improve “in the teeth of difficulties.” (from Matthew Syed’s Bounce).
Without a doubt, compliments feel good to give and receive. I’m not suggesting that we stop complimenting one another! From a developmental perspective though, compliments alone seem far more short-term fulfilling than long-term fulfilling. In seeking out people and things that complement our life – whether that’s who/what we feel attracted to, or who/what we feel challenged by – we’re probably putting ourselves in a better position to grow. Not to mention, we may very well receive compliments within those complements anyway.
The way I see it…
More complements = more growth, greater emphasis on effort
More compliments = more fixed, greater emphasis on talent
More complementing = more platforms to move forward & connect
More complimenting = more reasons to stay fixated on what already is or has happened
One final thought… in tying back to my last post on authenticity, a realization/reminder that more does not always equal better, complements or compliments. All in all, I would argue that seeking out who & what can complement your life, more so than seeking out compliments that re-affirm you/your current life, might be a useful strategy to aid longterm fulfillment. With that being said, the frequency and execution of this strategy will remain highly dependent upon how content you are with where you are, relative to how driven you are to achieve growth (in various areas)…
Um yes, for anyone who noticed that… I totally just went full circle back to the topic of my very first blog post! All connected. :)
Two nuggets of goodness to share:
I. On the idea that wisdom and happiness are cumulative, not compounding:
“A good isn’t increased by the addition of time, but if one is wise for even a moment, they will be no less happy than the person who exercises virtue for all time and happily passes their life in it.”
– Chrysippus, quoted by Plutarch in Moralia: “Against the Stoics on Common Conceptions”, 1062
II. The importance of language on a rainy day:
“One of the biggest mistakes that I observed in the first year of Jack’s life was parents who have unproductive language around weather being good or bad. Whenever it was raining, you’d hear moms, babysitters, dads say, ‘It’s bad weather. We can’t go out,’ or if it wasn’t, ‘It’s good weather. We can go out.’ That means that, somehow, we’re externally reliant on conditions being perfect in order to be able to go out and have a good time. So, Jack and I never missed a single storm, rain or snow, to go outside and romp in it. Maybe we missed one when he was sick. We’ve developed this language around how beautiful it is. Now, whenever it’s a rainy day, Jack says, ‘Look, Dada, it’s such a beautiful rainy day,’ and we go out and we play in it. I wanted him to have this internal locus of control – to not be reliant on external conditions being just so.”
– Josh Waitzkin, from Tools of Titans, pg. 582
– saw this gem of a quote on @apiros.team Instagram
PS: Happy Thanksgiving a day early to everyone!! <3